ChrisLand

We'll have to get over the fact that I'm not really writing here anymore. In fact, I never was. Maybe a couple of posts that were actually secretly copy and pasted here as an entry. The place of originality you could be looking for would be at my other diary, which I have exposed to my public below.

So, my avid reader of a fan, I inquire you, check out my daily reflections posted weekly (*laugh out loud*) .

Truth be told, you're only here because I left a note for you at your blog. I'm sure that's your reason. But I beseech you to please not even consider reading below to any of my past entries here. For you will have no interest, and they are from so long ago anyways. But if you really wanted to, you could get all of it and more at my other diary...

No relationship. High school relationships just aren't worth it. And there's my update to my last entry, haha.
Drama class gave me a large singing part (and it's not even that large compared to many others).
I went to Cedar Point on Saturday, stayed at a hotel overnight, it was quite fun. We got on every ride...except the famed "Top Thrill Dragster."
11 days until my birthday. I got a new ps2 last Friday and "Grand Theft Auto" on Thursday.
Emma was so afraid of "Evil Dead" that she cried at Brady's Holloween Party. That was quite fun to watch with her.

Hey, I definitly know that I haven't written in a damn long time. I must say "sorry" to all of my fans. All of you have been calling me repeatedly every day since my last one. Thank you, people. Thank you.

Anywho, yes, then I had "fallen out of love with Vicky," but now I have fallen back the other way. The fall of love is in, and falling in is hard to get out because of gravity. So we were gonna get back together, or so I thought. Then she starts hangin with these NEW friends. She likes this guy Mike, I'm sure of it. I am saddened. I miss her.

I will be writing more here. More later.

Originally written for Chrislo1112.diaryland.com:

*Sighs*

Studying is not very stressful, especially when I have no clue on what to be studying. Perhaps I should find that stressful. I'm too lazy to look at a study guide. I figure I should know every thing if I'm going to only be spending the 90 minutes over the next three days doing a review. Spanish is a lot of fun, I figure it'll be easy.

Math, psh, simple.

US History, I'll need to do a little reviewing before the "exam" on friday.

Science, with a jerkfuck for a teacher, I figure I'll screw up no matter what I do, though, that is the one and only class I have been studying for, so far. After tomorrow's "exam," I won't be worrying about it.

This week IS all half days though. That sounds like fun!

Drama is on Friday, and its the last day. *Sad face* *Sighs* No "exam" because the final was to perform in the four productions. That was a lot of fun though. Every play seemed to be fun except the third one. I didn't even care about the third one. It started out bad because I hated my make up. The fourth had a crowd that laughed a lot more than any other.

The second crowd was my favorite with Justin, Chelsey, Doug, and a couple other people I really know.

The first play was fun, but we were all "by the book," as our parents call it. I wasn't really nervous because all of my nerves were shaking during school because of the teaser. The second I was very nervous but had a lot of fun until the end of the night.

Lemme tell ya a story...

I walk into the back hall asking Victoria to "Please excuse me," while I change. She doesn't move, I wait, and then ask maybe two more times. "You can change in front of me." So I get all pissed off because I'm in a hurry, remove my pants and change all of my clothes while everyone outside yells "Chris, you're a guy, you don't need this much time!"

Then I tell Vicky "I needed you to move because of Diana."

"Well, SOORRY! I can't read your mind, you know."

Perhaps I said what I said a little too harsh, but hell, I can't tell from harsh when I'm worried about a talk my mom is gonna have with me when I get home...after Pizza Hut, of course.

Diana once told my mom that Vicky laughed when we were watching an old family video because I was dancing in my underwear. That should not have been a problem, and I think my mom was being immature by telling me that.

So I walk into the choir room, where I had all of my clothes that needed to be hung. I would find out days later that Vicky screamed "WHAT A DICK!" out of anger. Then the drama director would come up to her and ask "Boy problems? All boys are like that when they think they are the lead in some drama production and stop caring about the rest of the world."

She said something like that or something that meant that, Vicky told me. Now I didn't hear this when she said it, but a couple days later I was to be hurt by it.

Jenny, Jessica, and Sara did come up to me and ask me about why "Vicky is about to cry." "What did you do?"

"I'll tell you about it later."

"No, now," my co-stars demanded in a rude manner.

I explained how my sister could have seen me change in front of Vicky and how I may be in trouble later. A prolonged, scary pause here with the three girls silent. Then Jenny said "You're fine," and turned around to walk away. Sara said after another scary pause "You're fine," and Jessica agreed saying "Yeah, you're fine." It was so funny and made me feel so good, but then I was calmed down enough to talk to Vicky again.

Then she was looking around for a camera that my mom had given her. "I took it back to my mom," I told her, but then she said right back at me "Yeah, and then your mom gave it to me!"

So she got all worried saying that we could "Go to Steak 'n Shake without her." Dammit. I told Maggie, the would-be driver, and she wanted to wait. So when we finally got moving out of the school, Vicky ran to Amber to invited a hug and they all got into Maggie's car leaving little space for me, or "scruched" space as I called it. I rode with Pat again after seeing Vicky yell "No Chris, come in hereeeee....GOD...DAMN IT!" and she slammed the door.

Which brings me to another statement: Vicky gives me hugs, wanting a hug in return, but sometimes she wraps her arms around me, but before waiting for anything in return, she slunks down and acts/is (I'm sorry that I don't even know) depressed about it. She doesn't give me time for a reaction. I had turned around to look at Vicky before she slammed Maggie's car door, but she didn't wait and just cursed me out to God.

Oh well, I felt good in my Johnny Depp eye liner from the play giving an evil look into Maggie's car all the way to Steak 'n Shake. Oh, by the way, we chose to go to Steak 'n Shake over Pizza Hut, and I enjoyed it much more than I would have at Pizza Hut.

Something about that night made Jimmy think I was mad at him. I talked to him about a lot of things that night and again for the weekend nights. Steak 'n Shake was a lot of fun though.

The next day I explained to the drama director about the camera my mom gave Vicky and had found. "Vicky told me that the camera was given to her after I gave it to my mom."

Before I could say this, Vicky jumped in and didn't exactly yell, but said "WELL, CHRIS is the one who TOOK it away from ME when I didn't kNOW it!"

I almost freaked out enough to tell her to shut up, but instead calmed down a little "If you'd just LET me talk for a second, we'd find out what happened."

What happened was my mom gave Vicky the camera and THEN I took it to Mom, unlike what Vicky told me.

So here's my problem with Vicky, I believe she hogs the spotlight. That's a big problem with Hollywood marriages, I'm sure this issue killed the Bennifer relationship. Lopez also sucks and Affleck...well he sucks too. Sucking each other just didn't work out, I guess. At Jordan's cast party, who played "Little John," I talked about how I had bought a ticked to "S.W.A.T." and snuck into "American Wedding." Jordan replied "Nice, Chris, nice."

Then Vicky jumped in front of me and screamed "AAAAAND WHO'S IDEA WAS IT?" and pointed to herself with a smirk on her face. I felt like shit after that, and not only because Tyler, who played the Sheriff of Nottingham, questioned my stupidity in trading violence for romantic comedy.

*Sighs*

Drama, I've been looking forward to it all year, and then I had to worry about "us." Vicky and I having some fucked problem. Vicky says I make up some problems though. Lets see, I hate that she recently took someone's magnet off their locker and put it somewhere else. I had a problem that there was a magnet on the outside of the locker and she picked it up for no reason and put it back somewhere else. This showed me that Vicky doesn't care about other's things, maybe it was small but it had bigger meaning. Vicky loves the thought of toilet papering someones' house. During the summer she wanted to make crop circles! I find this to be extremely mean!

I just don't like who we've become. Or who she ever was, because she doesn't think she's changed. I actually think it was only me too.

What created change?

Almost everyday she asks "Are you alright?" "Are you happy?" "What's wrong?"

I feel like I need to watch what I look like so she doesn't see something wrong! I worry that I always look depressed or down to her. I don't wanna live like that! I feel like shit so MUCH!

Then I have no idea when I'm mad. So at any point in time she can start her "Men leave me" speech. So I never want to "leave," I want her to feel that she can talk to me whenever. I always am scared that she'll hurt herself if I totally leave. I'm scared right now that she's disecting her wrists! Can I do anything about it? No, absolutly not. I wish I could, but I'd rather wish she wouldn't think that the only answer to life's problems is death. That's why she needs friends.

"I don't want friends."

Well, I want friends, and Vicky's been taking me away from them.

"How FUCKING DARE YOU SAY that!" She says to me.

Here's how it happens...I go to a friends' house and she either comes along or makes me feel bad by feeling bad. She felt bad whenever I went to McB's without her, and yes, she came along. So I stopped going, sometimes because I wanted to, and sometimes because I didn't want to worry about her the whole time I was there. McB decided to hate me for so many of my choices to choose her over him.

Then I felt bad because we spent so much time together and I felt that it was unhealthy. She complained about why I thought that. So, I was right, *sighs*...again, because from all the time we've spent I've wanted her away from my friends at least.

So she comes to drama, my only escape from her. She plays this little game with my pal Jimmy and she lets him know probably more about her than I do. She's happy, and she can make Jimmy laugh with the same old jokes I've heard hundreds of times. They're all new to him.

So she used Jimmy as a release, as a shoulder to cry on. Then she'd cry while I was onstage, acting, and have all of my drama friends huddle around her so I wouldn't see her crying. How the FUCK would I have done well acting if she actually FUCKING effected me?!? God damn IT!

So I've grown to almost hate her at times but then, after we talked, I was fine. So here's what my new problem is: I don't like her when we're around other people. She thinks she's funny and she thinks she can steal the show and leave me in the dark and makes me want to be somewhere else.

I decided a while ago that this was not going to be put in diaryland, although I'm writing it here. Maybe I'll add it in later.

I've fallen out of love, but I'm still falling to her. Meaning she thinks I'm falling when I've hit the ground. It wasn't that hard of a fall, I have many friends, including McB who caught me.

This week, finals week, I plan for Wednesday to be with Doug, Thursday I don't know yet, Friday to be with Jimmy, and the weekend to include Justin and "Freddy vs. Jason." Then McB is having a Super Bowl party in the near future to which I'll be coming back to his house and having a grand ol' fun time. I know he has many new friends that I could meet, but maybe that's more friends for me! Maybe there won't be any other people there, and it'll be everyone I already know.

I choose to love life. I love Vicky as a friend, and I'm starting to think we'll only be friends. If she can't live with that, then maybe we're nothing. We were something, we still are something, but maybe that won't continue. Maybe she'll become only a charming beautiful sexy thang that I've always thought she was. Maybe everything will be awesome again. Maybe I'll fall back into love, but I am doubting that will be soon.

Today she said that even if I told her I hated her, she'd still love me. Doug's mom talked about the film "Fatal Attraction" where the girl stalked the guy until he killed her. I'd never kill someone unless it was out of self defense. I'm scared of stalking.

I'm scared of the future.

There was a drama thing today. I went to the high school to work on all the set of "Robin Hood" that I am very excited about being in. I play two parts. Today Vicky came to help with the set. She showed up around 11:40 or so while I got there at 10:15.

She got a part in my play today also. I don't know how or why, but she's going to be in all four productions of "Robin Hood."

She's in all parts of my life now. I don't know why, but I don't like this. When I grow up, will she be like this? When I'm writing a book or a movie or a story of some kind, will she sit down and take over and take credit?

My mom took her picture for the program. She is going to be coming to cast parties too. I don't know why, but I don't like this.

I have a problem here, and its Christmas break.

Fuck.

When you're in a relationship for so long, you're gonna find things wrong with a person, alright? It happens, its normal, but sometimes you gotta vent. You can't go up to your person and say that they're doing these things wrong, they'll take them wrong, or they can't change it.

Vicky and I, we swap sexual stories. Today's lunch was about her writing me this sexual story and wanting me to read it. We love sex, but haven't ever had it. As a matter of fact, we haven't had any kind of sexual play in two weeks, honestly. This is my doing. I was afraid that sex was our only good point. Its not true and I knew it wasn't, but I needed proof. So tomorrow is her birthday, and our two weeks are coming to an end.

But about her stories she wrote, she wrote them last night and wanted to read me parts at lunch. Ashli and her boyfriend, Jose were in front of us, and I was telling her to keep it quiet. She didn't. This isn't what bothered me.

You know when somebody plays pool, they hit a lucky shot, and then say "Oh, that was AWESOME!"

Its like "Okay, you think so, but that actually sucked because it wasn't what you meant to do."

There's one example of this self esteem type thing. Vicky kept saying "Oh, THIS is the best story, its so AWESOME, you're going to love it!"

Okay, well, I'll find out later if I love it or not. Don't tell me that. This is a problem with me, I've never liked people who talk like that. And what can I say to her? I can't say anything. She can't change. She's just gonna think that I think everything is wrong with her. Seriously, one more problem I have with her and I talk to her about it, she's gonna be pissed. I can't say a thing.

There are many things I hate. Women singing to the radio. WHY, ladies? WHY WHY? No, don't do that?

"Who sings that song?"

"JLo does."

"Let's keep it that way."

Singing is annoying. My sisters and my mom do all the time. So does Vicklo. It bugs the hell out of me.

There are many things wrong with every person. I change, I fuckin change for her. If she has a problem, then its no longer a problem. She can't tell me to be happy, even though she does, she can't make me be happy. She makes me happy enough, but she can't by telling me to be happy, that's not gonna change a thing.

I love her still, I love her, I love her, I love her, and that's not gonna change. I'm sure I'll be writing more about this subject. The power of a hidden diary, mmm.

"I just want you to care about me."

Now this line could have been taken the wrong way, but maybe there is no wrong way. Victoria needs to be cared for. That's all she needs. This is also the part in the conversation where I bring in Chels. I think Chels would care about her no matter what. She might not deserve it, but what the hell. Chels shouldn't have to and I have no idea how Chels could give a shit at all. It frustrates me. Our talks are "fights." We can't stop. "Fights" are where, in the middle of it, you could say "Lets end 'us.'"

It makes me sick and she kept saying "If you don't wanna be with me, then don't."

This makes me feel like shit. I'm shit for thinking like that. She's better than me, and yet, I still love her more.

Here's why: She only cares about herself.

She always thinks about how things effect her. She's a child trying to deal with adult problems. She also MAKES, invents, creates her own problems.

Ha, I've figured it out.

Now what the hell do I do about it? It makes me sick thinking about it so I look at her differently. Help me. I will not end it, I cannot, I'd be miserable. Help me.